Forgiveness

Today is just like any other day.
Waking, working and doing 'shoulds'.
Yet for me it marked a special day. A day, where I have learned that I have to forgive.
This pain of wanting to be let out was strong.
Urging to be acknowledged and be set free. I wanted to be set free.
We all know forgiveness will set you free.
But there is a tiny difference between knowing and understanding.
 

If I could describe it as follows:
Knowing is when it is in your head.
Understanding is when it is in your whole being.

As am sitting in the dark and listening to the rain and enjoying the warmth of the fire... I am thinking back of the delicious 1.5hrs of truth and pain and release.

Still no clue how and what to forgive myself for. Nothing I can recreate or change what happened in the past.
But my whole being is light. There is peace and calm.

I feel I can conquer the world with a gentle touch and a smile.

The pain I carried with me for about a week, was unbearable. Hard on the outside and smiling, a warrior and bleeding and pain within.

How I avoided to use the word :  Forgiveness.....
Mumbling something, we are not a family that forgives.
Tears quietly making their way down my face.
I am strong and I don't show.....

The pain intense. Then calm. Calm and peace.
Still don't know what to do, but have found my pain.
I understand now clearly - today.
Tomorrow, I don't know.

Coming home with the intent to forgive myself and be kind.
To listen and to ask and then to listen some more.

I hugged my son. Grateful for his unconditional love.
He comes over and over to me: Miami , I love you.
Holding me and saying: It is ok.
I ask: what.
He says: just everything

Perhaps forgiveness is being gentle.
Forgiveness is taking time and being in the moment.

Forgiveness is to be grateful for the now and accepting that the journey is a process.
Forgiveness is loving yourself in this very moment as it is.

I love you and I forgive you

Xox