Forgiveness

Today is just like any other day.
Waking, working and doing 'shoulds'.
Yet for me it marked a special day. A day, where I have learned that I have to forgive.
This pain of wanting to be let out was strong.
Urging to be acknowledged and be set free. I wanted to be set free.
We all know forgiveness will set you free.
But there is a tiny difference between knowing and understanding.
 

If I could describe it as follows:
Knowing is when it is in your head.
Understanding is when it is in your whole being.

As am sitting in the dark and listening to the rain and enjoying the warmth of the fire... I am thinking back of the delicious 1.5hrs of truth and pain and release.

Still no clue how and what to forgive myself for. Nothing I can recreate or change what happened in the past.
But my whole being is light. There is peace and calm.

I feel I can conquer the world with a gentle touch and a smile.

The pain I carried with me for about a week, was unbearable. Hard on the outside and smiling, a warrior and bleeding and pain within.

How I avoided to use the word :  Forgiveness.....
Mumbling something, we are not a family that forgives.
Tears quietly making their way down my face.
I am strong and I don't show.....

The pain intense. Then calm. Calm and peace.
Still don't know what to do, but have found my pain.
I understand now clearly - today.
Tomorrow, I don't know.

Coming home with the intent to forgive myself and be kind.
To listen and to ask and then to listen some more.

I hugged my son. Grateful for his unconditional love.
He comes over and over to me: Miami , I love you.
Holding me and saying: It is ok.
I ask: what.
He says: just everything

Perhaps forgiveness is being gentle.
Forgiveness is taking time and being in the moment.

Forgiveness is to be grateful for the now and accepting that the journey is a process.
Forgiveness is loving yourself in this very moment as it is.

I love you and I forgive you

Xox

What I wish for 2015

As the old year draws to its close, I have made some notes with regards to manifesting some intents. Am pretty sure lots of others will do the same - rather a common thing.

1. Health for Oliver and I. Of course eating healthier and and and

2. Working on myself. Like self work and help can never stop after one has opened Pandoras Box.

3. Become filthy rich! Well not filthy as such, just mal very rich.
As I sat with a dear friend of mine and shared my thoughts, some old triggers were triggered.
Money does not define who you are and it can change you and too much money will uproot you .....
Am certain you know all the sayings from aware beings with regards to money.
There I sat - silenced. Which is a miracle in itself, if you know me personally.
Pondering, which fear has kept me from following through and succeeding in becoming financially independent ?
Is it my agreement with my mother, that I will never make it?
Is it my fear that I won't be accepted by the 99%?
Will I be a bad person because I belong to the 1%???
Perhaps all of that above and more.

I think due to many agreements of the past and some awareness, I have learned a lot, hopefully shifted a lot too.

Throughout my journey I have met many and plenty spiritual people saying: I can't afford ... with a scent of victim-hood.
Of course not all are like this!

Do we think to reach enlightenment, we need to suffer?
Does living simple mean without money?
Does living a basic rooted life, mean I can't be rich?

Since I left Oliver's father, I learned to trust that there is always enough. I learned to have faith and to ask for help.
I shed my pride .. Lots of it.
I can emphasis with those who do not have and don't know that they can change it. That it is their destiny to suffer.
I can feel those in pain and need.
But one thing I have realized as well is: you don't need to live in the slums and be poor to make a change and be heard.
This too, this dear friend of mine mentioned.

So what is still holding me back? Becoming this super rich person?
Which agreement is hanging on my heel?

Money has become for me a toy. (Some days I forget how to play with it though)
An energy I can call upon and release again.
I have not perfected it - as yet.
But 2015 is the year I am not waiting for others to guide me on this specific path. I am taking ownership and control over it.
No more listening to bake small rolls first ....

My engines are ready to go.
Full blast.
New agreements in the making.
No more holding on, taking and releasing at the same time.
No more guilt!!!
Just a plain understanding, that it is about choices.

There is more than enough for those who want and sadly never enough for those who don't see.

How about you?

Live light and free - it is all there ready waiting.

Love and lightness, see you next year.

Diana

The Money thing

I change, you change and they change

The last few weeks, let’s rather say MONTH, have been a true roller coaster of learning, growing, swimming (some days only floating) and letting go on the wave of life. My journey!

It was incredible … NO – Wonderful, bitter sweet, painfully beautiful!
All the changes I always wanted in my life, have been manifested and it took me a lot of few moments to see. Changes I wanted to implement and just to BE happy.

 

On this road of change, I stumbled upon new ideas, life styles and people and different believes. A diverse spectrum of creation itself is happening.
What gotten me thinking the most lately is, the various systems we living in.
We all know that these systems are opted out for WANTS – NOW and becoming a slave to money. Society is addicted to all of this. We have been bread towards such a behavior for decades if not centuries. And are now over all surprised, when we look at our children and find the first wake up call and seeing what has happened (so I hope). Like a fine web this structure has been build throughout our lives.
For example, all these in store cards of major retail chains, targeting the masses with the slogan:” you cannot afford to buy, get a card and pay off. “
Now look into your purse and tell me how many cards of these do you have? How many credit cards?
Even with this so called world recession going on, have the banks and retail chains stopped marketing for the masses and underpaid to make these cards attractive?

NO! On the contrary, have heard an advert the other day: get your car on credit approval and drive TODAY – start paying in January!
Lord help me here! January? The worst month of the whole year!!!!

Now that we realizing how enslaved we are, we are more than willing to make changes in this respect.
I remember how for several weeks and month the big financial markets have been occupied. Wonderful how so many people pulled together and showed the support.
BUT – actually it starts at home. Like with everything,

We as society need to change our way of living and perceiving. Our own values, and the world’s values. We need to stop allowing media and cooperates to tell us who we are and why we are and how we are.

This permanent pressure of should and should not. Compromising, true living of ones own life, love and all that is.
Children growing up in a society, where parents both work full time and true love and attention gets replaced with a I-Phone, Wii and more worldly goods. Yes of course this is what kids see and want, as it is shown where ever they go.

Sure this is how life is happening today. But can it be changed?

Easy! hehe
Define what your true needs are, everything beyond that, is a want. Then define, if you truly want it now or it can wait (or you just want to have it now to keep up with the Jonses).
Our world society is thriving on making us wanting everything - NOW.

YES, it is rough and yes it is a HUGE transition.
But start reducing those in store cards and credit cards (yes yes I know, you cannot purchase a house or car if your do not have a credit record, well better non than a crap one). Do not give your hard earned money away for silly interest, on clothes you still paying off, which are already last season.

We all need to eat and live. But how is the question. Scale down to the YOU, you are. Those who will not understand, do truly not matter.
YOU need to sleep peacefully at night and not worrying how you will pay rent on an eight room mansion (where you only occupy two of them).

Remember the old days, when we girls gotten irons, bedding etc for our birthdays? Oh I so hated it! And yet I was grateful that I had it at the end.
Remember, when we saved money to buy our first bicycle or new clothes?
We do not need to have it all  - TODAY! This is where we give our financial power to the banks and corporate.

What we need today is, to remember that things are not people. Things, will not give us love and things will definitely not change the world.

YOU CAN!

For me? I will pay off my Woolworths in store card and close the account.
My motto from now on is: if I cannot afford it now, I do not need it.

Wishing you love and peace on this insanely beautiful journey

Love, light and lightness

D x

Bullying ... not only for little people

Besides ADD/ADHD – Bullying is the next big thing in schools and kindergarten. Have you ever wondered where it originates from? This most likely would required a closer look why and how and a pinch of honesty.

Whatever follows now, PLEASE there is no judgment involved and it is my personal view and opinion. If it resonates with you what you will read – great. If not, discard it.

As I look at bullying it seems to me a form of defense. Children do not think, they act out of impulse and intuition. They copy what they see and make it their own. So, when they feel they not coping and their needs are not met, they will have to voice it somehow to their surrounding, that they only surviving. Some kids get quiet and withdrawn, others hit and bully (as they have seen it). Plain good old attention seeking.
 

Now you may ask, can we do? Easy, find out where the child is lacking of nurturing. Meet the need and break the pattern. Yes, it is the parents’ responsibility, you quite right.

Now there where the part of I AM NOT JUDGING comes in. 

Parents have their own stuff to deal with, and I am sure we agree, the world is a rough place right now. So many demands to meet and the rat race seem never ending.
Now, parents are only humans too and cope with life and deal with what they have learned.

It is becoming aware of oneself, how we work and re-act, before we can change it into acting. And through acting a change in pattern will occur. So, once the parent becomes just a tiny bit aware of oneself and this tiny bit changes, so will the child. As we all know children, to sponge off the energies from their parents.
 

When big people bully, it is often with so much violence and anger involved, that changes are not possible anymore. Or so it often seems. Domestic violence is wide spread and often kept under wrap and only spoken about it, behind closed doors – if at all.

Please do know, THAT I AM SOOOOO aware of that and as a newly single mother, it is rough on all fronts. Own healing (aka becoming aware), being a mom, play friend, boundary setter and so much more.

Perhaps, we as society, instead of looking at it as something bad and punish. Let’s view it from a different angle and find an opportunity to break the pattern. Domestic violence and violence in general can only be broken, by showing different ways already to our children. The following step is, to heal family homes and ultimately the communities.
Yes I agree, it seems like HUGE task. But we can do and make changes. Tiny steps can do wonders.

Bullying does not have to be, take some time and make a difference. A child bullying, might not be cured with a hug. But it can put a balm on a sore or two and give hope. Hope, that violence is not always a solution and the norm. Hope, that one can be different and hope that LOVE exists.

So that little bullying children will not grow into big bullies, which do much more than just bullying.
 

A hug and a kiss, can do wonders… so does a smile and a hand reached out to help

Love and abundant blessings

D x

Happy Love Day

Can you believe it. It is already so far into the year, that we have and yet again a Valentines day. Will it be any different than last years?
Yes!!! I am now surrounded by peace and love. Have had one Valentines smooch (blush) already! tHAHAHA, it can only get better from here onwards!!!

Yesterday I had an emotional wobble and ultimately fall out with my soon to be ex husband. Well, I have made a case against him for assaulting me and have been yesterday subpoena to appear in court on the 01 March 2012. Lord, I was afraid!! I was angry of fear. Then in this emotion I have phoned my ex and just lashed out. Not that he did not deserve it, but it was an energy not worth dwelling upon. I know then and I know now!
Till just recently I have found out, that as a kid I have been taught, that pain is my sign of love. So I phoned my ex, to get my dose of "love". Needy love! This one is a rough one for me.Lots of work and lots of deep work!
So still, even after now good six month of moving out, there are days, when I go back and get my dose of "pain love".

How many of us are actually thinking that we need somebody or something to make us whole. To love us, so that we can love? Finding always the need to create certain situations and finding people to make us feel the way we felt when we were little. Is this truth still true? Or can we now rewrite it?
Everything which is vibrating and originating from an unhealthy need, I feel is ...NO GOOD!

Yes, of course we all love to be touched and kissed and hugged and cuddled. But let it come from a place, of knowing who we are. Let us already be filled with love and understand that we are it.
We do not need atrificial aproval of love. We do not need pain to feel loved. No more bad words.
So if you are somehow, seeing yourself and being aware that similar is happening to you - it is ok!
And this too shall pass .... LOL
Honestly, the moment you are aware that it is happening, it is ok. You are ahead already and can learn to change the need of  the needy love.

Being on this journey is wonderful and some days frustrating. As I can see and am feeling helpless that it is returning again and that I have re-acted, instead of acted.

Be gentle to yourself as I am to myself. After all, it is Valentins day - - one of 365 Valentins days this year.

Love does, what love does best ~~~~ LOVE!

Have an AWEsome day, I love you and I love me

D xox

Moments that matter

Good Mornings,

what a few days it has been since Friday afternoon.

My kitty Sally was very ill, of chronic kidney failure and was on her way to leave this lifetime. So my son and I went on Friday afternoon to neighbouring village and gotten the: "letting go" remedy from a holistic vet. This remedy would help Sally to let go and pass peacefully.
Saturday morning, Sally was sitting on the kitchen floor, one could see not well. So I picked her up and took her downstairs. Showed her our log house and the forest. Stood there for a while and let her soak in the view of the high trees. Later took her up and laid her on the bed and gave her some more remedy and tea. Again speaking to her: that my son and I are safe and she could let us go!
By 2pm that Saturday she passed.
My son of five told me several times: Mami, it is ok. You can cry. But Sally is now fine and playing with Harry and the rabbit.


Why I am sharing this is: to enjoy the moments and appreciate the beings crossing your path and traveling with you.
Even though I found, we all KNOW to be in the NOW and the moment. We are more than often not, getting in-tangled in "shoulds" and buying just another five minutes of what we think (or others think) we have to do or think.
I have found now, that since Sally was sick and dying, that I became more mindful about what matters. Started DOING and saying things that are truly me. AUTHENTIC.
LOL even am learning to play again with my boy .... Lego! Often in the pace of society (not life) we forget not only what truly matters, we even forget how to be in the moment and how it is done. Just like playing for example.

So today, I wished that I have taken more time out to cuddle with Sally, which has taken so excellent care of me emotionally. With such unconditional love. Today I wished, that I would have not said so often to my son: go and play, I am busy..give me five more minutes. But it is in the past now. Nothing I can make unhappen or change.

Today I understand, that no matter what - it is always possible to just stop and take time out to make matters and moments count. Nothing else actually is important, than these moments. Enriching our lives, filling us up with love, gratitude and appreciation.

Oh and one on the side, Universe is helping me in re-learning and being in the moment. At our new  house, I do not have internet right now ... so lets cuddle and play and go to the beach.

Have an AWesome day and feel the moments

D xox

Changes and Shifts and so much more

It has been a while, since I have written and expressed myself here.
Lots has happened and still happening. Shifting and changes are on a daily occurrence right now.
All these odd emotions, which I thought I have dealt with, coming up again and again and again.
Sigh.... well, I have learned to take it as it is and stay as much as I can in the flow and release deeper and deeper.

Now, I have had the urgency to change the way I am writing this blog. It will be from now on a voice from me, my journey and messages. Kind of a diary on where I am at and where I am going and if I am going.
So many writings exist already on gratitude, love, forgiveness etc. that I feel, I would like to take you with, on my journey. Perhaps, you will find some value in it for yourself and maybe it will give you some answers on your journey. As ultimately what I feel it is about: to remember who we are and become our true self. And this is LOVE and returning home to Source/God! As ONE!

As you most likely know or not, I used to live in an abusive marriage for six years. Last year my son and I moved out. I had enough courage and strength, to leave. Even though seeing and understanding, that the past is about learning and letting go, it is still a process and challenge. Almost daily.

Being positive and understanding the Law of Attraction (lets say most of the time),gets me often into a state of frustration. Frustrated that it is not quick enough, that it still hurts and I am still attached to some old lessons. Man oh man, those days I can jump up and down the walls and be so  ...  human?!

By allowing and reminding myself to be in the flow of things, I can see things start happening for me. Good things, falling into place almost all by itself.
My son and I, have moved house past weekend. He has chosen the house and to be honest, I am happy that I did trust his instinct. It is surrounded by pine trees and I can hear the sea far away.
Actually, magic you will have, where ever you want it to be.

Will leave you for now, as I want to write some more about what has happened yesterday at a counseling session. Very very interesting indeed.

Am wishing you a wonderful day and sending you love and abundance

Diana xox